That's not supposed to hurt.
Calling out painful intimacy & offering hope for a solution
When you got married (or became sexually active by choice), did you think it would be painful or pleasurable your first time?
I get the joy of working with all types of women of different ages, reproductive stages, and martial statuses. For the single ladies, we largely talk about cycle health and hormone balance (focusing on health advocacy, cycle knowledge, and getting to the root cause of any women’s health issues), but for those focused on fertility, we talk about topics like conception and intercourse, as well.
Talking about sex can be awkward. There aren’t a ton of people that are safe to bring it up to. Maybe there’s a good friend or a sister, but their advice will be limited. It could be extremely helpful or it could be sadly misinformed.
Most “sex education” comes from bits and pieces of things we’ve picked up from high school health classes, TV shows, hushed conversations, Instagram comments, reddit threads, and (more and more commonly) pornography. (Notice the lack of Church resources in that list.)
No wonder so many women feel lost when it comes to what’s normal and healthy.
I’m truly honored when a client has the courage (and security) to ask me their questions. I’ve heard many over the years, but the most common one — by far — relates to pain.
Should sex be painful?
God did not design sex to be a painful experience for women. I state it like this because it’s essential that we start off with the reminder that God designed sex — for our good and for God’s glory. Yes, even sex!
It is not a bad or dirty thing, but a good and holy one — capable of revealing something meaningful about Christ and the Church.
Like many good things, though, it can require some adjustment. Not everyone has a totally pain-free experience the first time they have intercourse. The key is that the experience — and repeat encounters — are not meant to be painful. If they are, it’s time to investigate why.
When should you seek support?
So often, women are embarrassed or ashamed about their struggles. They hope that with time (and enough wine1), they’ll have no trouble at all. This may work for some; if subsequent times of intimacy are no longer painful, then it may have been a part of your initial adjustment.
If the pain remains, though, the answer is not to push through. In fact, this can actually build a negative feedback loop that makes it hard to desire physical intimacy at all because you anticipate it being painful.
What type of support should you look for?
It can feel tough to know where to go or who to talk to about painful intercourse. You don’t want to be met with judgements, isolation, or advice that doesn’t honor your faith. This is why we invited Jess Seitz, owner of Pain-Free Intimacy, to join us for an episode of the Woven Well podcast. In our episode, she talks about the many different things that can cause or contribute to the pain and the approaches that work for healing them.
Jess knows her stuff. Not only is she formally trained as an occupational therapist, she experienced eight years of struggle herself. She suffered through severe pain, shame and fear, unhelpful medical professionals, dozens of failed attempts, and fruitless advice during those years. She felt truly hopeless.
It turns out, the key wasn’t trying to get beyond the pain, but heal the source of it.2
If you experience painful intercourse or have struggled with painful pelvic exams, tampon placement, etc — this episode is for you.
A note about Pain-Free Intimacy
Jess talks about her program during the episode and I wanted to give a quick note that I’ve had a handful of clients over the years use it and they have all raved. They felt it was thorough, personal, educational, encouraging, supportive (including an online community), patient, and empowering. I’ve not had one client finish the program without experiencing pain-free intimacy. For couples feeling hopeless, Jess provides a beacon of light — for a myriad of root causes.
Listen to the podcast:
Watch the episode:
Here are a few other ways that can help keep us going:
Share this post! Do you have a friend who may benefit from these words? Share it with them!
Recommend Fertile Faith on Substack! If you have your own substack, then you know how Recommendations help us all. If you appreciate this work, consider recommending!
Subscribe so you receive these short emails each Monday in your inbox!
As a reminder, Fertile Faith is written by Caitlin Estes. Caitlin is the Owner and Certified FertilityCare Practitioner at Woven Natural Fertility Care, and feels passionate about providing empowering fertility education to women. Woven talks openly about the deep relationship between fertility and faith. As a Christian, Caitlin feels passionate about God’s good design of our bodies and fertility, and how this area of our lives can be incredibly fruitful, spiritually.
For some reason, this is often a suggestion made by OBGYNS…. “Just drink some wine beforehand!” This infuriates me (as it should) because it belittles her experience and her personhood. Unacceptable.
What do you know! That’s exactly what we believe, too :)