Last week I shared a snippet of client Jamie’s story, and how the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy radically changed how she viewed her future. (You can still read it here, if you haven’t already:)
The post has sparked some good conversations on family planning in general — not so much the methods and options of natural family planning, but the idea that we all have a “perfect plan” in mind for our family.
After working with hundreds and hundreds of couples, I can safely say that every couple has a perfect plan in mind when they get married. They hold on very tightly to this plan, until the moment they realize they never really had that kind of control in the first place.
I think this comes from a really good place. I love that women are thinking about the family they desire even long before they’re married. I love that couples are making adjustments and plans for the children they hope to one day have.
Many make these plans with the best interest of these future children in mind — they want to have saved up enough money to provide for their kids; they want to have reached a certain level in their career so they can devote time to raising their children; they want to live in an area with the best schools and parks and all the things.
But since when has life ever gone according to our own plans?
We have unexpected job changes, moves and home choices, family loss, relationship challenges, illnesses and injuries, etc, etc, etc. Life never goes according to plan.
But somewhere along the way, we got the idea that this doesn’t apply to family planning.
I’m really curious where this stems from; I think it could be worth digging into. But for now — let’s explore how this plays out in our own lives.
At some point in the last few decades, planning out our family has become less of a dream and more of an expectation.
More than ever before, humans have the ability to prevent and/or create pregnancy on our own timelines. The prevalence of birth control (including permanent sterilization) and IVF affect our expectations tremendously.
Yet, if you ask a group of women about their experience planning their own families, you’ll hear that it very rarely matches their ideal plans — regardless of their use of birth control or IVF.
Should we really expect to have control over planning our families?
I think there’s a big difference here between control and influence. As a Certified FertilityCare Practitioner, I can assure you that you have a strong influence over whether you will avoid or conceive a pregnancy based on how you use your natural family planning system. The same thing goes for whether you choose to use birth control, condoms, or have a permanent sterilization procedure.
Yet, none of these methods produce 100% effectiveness at avoiding pregnancy.1
The making of eternal souls is not something you and I are qualified to control. But God, in his infinite goodness, invites us to be a part of the process. We are given a say, even if it’s not the final say.
This change in perspective — from an expectation that family planning on our own terms is our right to family planning as an invitation from God to participate in our good and the good of our family — has a monumental impact on our peace in the process, and our relationship with God.
When we can humbly embrace that we are less qualified than God to determine when children should enter the world, there is a trust present that we can’t have otherwise. What once felt overwhelming and fearful (because the weight of these things was on our shoulders alone) now feels properly shared with the One who is ultimately trustworthy. Yes, we can still make decisions that help us to avoid or conceive, but it’s not from a place of control, authority, or assumption. Instead, we are openhanded with our family, prayerful about our participation, and trusting in the Creator of all life.
Peace, peace, peace.
But we won’t get that from the current culture of fertility around us. No where out there (whether avoiding or trying to conceive) are we hearing anything but “Your timeline. Your choice. Your plan.”
That means this perspective shift is a decision. It’s an intentional practice. And it doesn’t always come easily. I fully believe, though, that it’s worth it.
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do you feel like family planning is presented as a right that we have? What did it feel like when/if your family didn’t go according to plan? How has God shown up for you in the process? Does it provide you with peace to know that only God holds the authority to create new souls?
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As a reminder, Fertile Faith is written by Caitlin Estes. Caitlin is the Owner and Certified FertilityCare Practitioner at Woven Natural Fertility Care, and feels passionate about providing empowering fertility education to women. Woven talks openly about the deep relationship between fertility and faith. As a Christian, Caitlin feels passionate about God’s good design of our bodies and fertility, and how this area of our lives can be incredibly fruitful, spiritually.
Just saying this again for those in the back: if you’re having genital contact of any kind, there is no 100% effective method for avoiding pregnancy.
I see so many people (mostly online, but some in person too) talking about whether or not they’re done having kids right after having a baby. It’s always seemed weird to me. Why all the pressure to decide, especially right away? Maybe they feel like if they say they’re done, they’ll savor all the “last baby” experiences. But even if the new baby you just had does end up being your last, why would you feel the need to decide that right away? (I could also go on a whole other rant about the phrase I keep seeing everywhere about “leaving my having babies era and entering my raising babies era”.)
We had our three children soon after getting married, in quick succession but that was the "plan" of sorts we were open to (this shocks people).
Family planning does seem like a right—and also an expectation—even among many Christians I've encountered. I'm thinking along the lines of "Of course we're willing to accept children up 'till a point, but eventually you gotta put a nail in that coffin with sterilization. It's only responsible." This never ceases to be jarring.
I don't know how many children we'll end up having, but we are deeply uncomfortable with the approach of controlling finality (which itself is a broader mindset of modernity). Shutting out conversation with God and each other over something so integral to marriage, for the rest of our years of fertility, would be a real loss.