Is it ok to say "no" to sex with your spouse?
In all my reading, listening, and studying on topics of Christian marriage and sex, one concept that pops up here and there is that a spouse should never say “no” when it comes to sex. This statement is problematic and gets a bit of a reaction, understandably.
The reality is, our yes won’t ever mean much if we can’t ever say no.
So let’s start there, with why we say yes to sex in the first place.
If you were to ask for a cultural answer to this question, it would have all sorts of answers from sexual pleasure, to experimentation, to the sexual needs of human beings. But I’m much more interested in the Christian answer. Why do Christians say yes to sex with their spouse?
No doubt, there are immediate benefits to the sex act itself. But the “why” goes beyond those. It is the renewal of marriage vows, a participation in creation, a reminder of good and beauty to come. For Christians, we can see that sex is both an enjoyable act and a worshipful one. I’m not saying that to make it too holy or other worldly, but simply to acknowledge that sex can remind us of some things that we may forget otherwise (like ultimately God is the Creator of all life and that marriage/sex reminds us of the mysterious relationship between Christ and the Church). Sex is self-gift to our spouse, a deep expression of love and respect.
It can be, in many ways, a sacramental act, if we allow it to be.
With this in mind — how Good we know sex between spouses to be — can we say no? Should we say no?
The quick answer, I believe, is yes. We can. There are many, many understandable reasons for why a husband or wife would choose to say no in a particular moment or even season:
days of fertility when actively avoiding pregnancy
sickness, illness, or injury
postpartum guidelines
seasons of depression or mental health battles
If a spouse is not allowed to say no, we have a completely different problem. There should never be any force or manipulation when it comes to sexual intimacy — even inside marriage.
But maybe clarifying who says no and how we say no can be helpful.
Talking about sex, even in a loving, healthy, safe marriage, can be tricky and complicated. It’s important to remember the vulnerabilities involved for the other person, and choose words and actions that honor and respect them.
Remembering why we say yes can be helpful when we need to say no.
When we think of sex as merely something we do for our own pleasure, it takes on our own timeline, our own desires, our own ends. But we’ve already established that it’s about far more than simply our pleasure alone! When we remember sex as loving gift, as renewing commitment, as acknowledgment of God even — then it helps us to weigh the moments when it’s most right to participate, or delay.
Clients often request practical tips, so here are a few:
Practice communication habits that allow you to discuss this openly (notice I say practice, because it comes quickly and easily to almost no couple). Being able to talk about why you want to and why you are hesitant to can help you be on the same page as a couple and can reduce feelings of rejection or gatekeeping.
Keep an openness to intimacy with your spouse. There are moments for every couple when one is eager to be together and the other is totally caught off guard (and not in a good way). If you’re not thinking about sex, then it can be difficult to quickly flip that switch. But could you — and are you willing to — come around to it? Sometimes it’s easy to say no, but it would be just as easy to say yes to later in the day or some other scenario? Both spouses can practice this openness, too! Maybe this moment isn’t right for you, but it will be in an hour — your spouse can practice openness to that change, as well.
Actively communicate your love in other ways outside of sex. It’s easy for sex to become the “go-to” expression of love between spouses because… it’s a good one! But this can make it challenging to still feel loved during moments or seasons of abstinence. Actively using other avenues to display love (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc) can go a long way to deepening the relationship in other ways and strengthening that bond for times when sex isn’t an option.
Decide together when to say no. Even the wording “saying no” suggests that one person has the power over the other in decision making, and that could absolutely be the case. But do we want power dynamics between husband and wife — especially as it relates to sex? Instead, practice decision making together. For instance, if a couple is in the middle of their days of joint fertility while avoiding pregnancy and one spouse suggests they’d be interested in sex — instead of the other spouse simply saying no, could they not instead have a conversation about their pregnancy intentions and come to that same conclusion together? This, too, takes practice, but when you get into the rhythm of joint-decision making, it’s oh so much better.
What do you think? Is it okay for one spouse to say no to sex to the other? Is it better to make the decision together? What have you found to make the difference in these scenarios, for better or worse? It’s a sensitive topic, but one all married couples face. As always, I appreciate your engagement and charity in the comments!
Exciting news:
The Woven Well Podcast picks back up THIS Friday, July 5th with Ep.126: Functional Fertility Treatment, with NaProTechnology OBGYN Dr. Melissa Weidert! You heard it here first!
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As a reminder, Fertile Faith is written by Caitlin Estes. Caitlin is the Owner and Certified FertilityCare Practitioner at Woven Natural Fertility Care, and feels passionate about providing empowering fertility education to women. Woven talks openly about the deep relationship between fertility and faith. As a Christian, Caitlin feels passionate about God’s good design of our bodies and fertility, and how this area of our lives can be incredibly fruitful, spiritually.